7 Things You Should Know to Make a Great Impression

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Assertiveness in 7 minutes - by Chris Croft

An overview of the main points of assertiveness, by Chris Croft, management trainer. If you do what he tells you on this video it will change your life.

How to help build, boost, and develop self-confidence and assertiveness

Building self-confidence and assertiveness is probably a lot easier than you think. 'Non-assertive' people (in other words 'normal people') do not generally want to transform into being excessively dominant people. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they usually really mean is:

• 'How can I become more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people?'
• 'How can I stand up to bullies (or one bully in particular)?'
• And also, 'How can I exert a little more control in situations that are important to me?'

Pure assertiveness - dominance for the sake of being dominant - is not a natural behaviour for most people. Most people are not naturally assertive. Most people tend to be passive by nature. The assertive behaviour of highly dominant people tends to be driven by their personality (and often some insecurity). It is not something that has been 'trained'.

For anyone seeking to increase their own assertiveness it is helpful to understand the typical personality and motivation of excessively dominant people, who incidentally cause the most worry to non-assertive people.

It's helpful also at this point to explain the difference between leadership with dominance: Good leadership is inclusive, developmental, and a force for what is right. Good leadership does not 'dominate' non-assertive people, it includes them and involves them. Dominance as a management style is not good in any circumstances. It is based on short-term rewards and results, mostly for the benefit of the dominant, and it fails completely to make effective use of team-members' abilities and potential.

The fact is that most excessively dominant people are usually bullies. Bullies are deep-down very insecure people. They dominate because they are too insecure to allow other people to have responsibility and influence, and this behaviour is generally conditioned from childhood for one reason or another. The dominant bullying behaviour is effectively reinforced by the response given by 'secure' and 'non-assertive' people to bullying. The bully gets his or her own way. The bullying dominant behaviour is rewarded, and so it persists.

Dominant, bullying people, usually from a very young age, become positively conditioned to bullying behaviour, because in their own terms it works. Their own terms are generally concerned with satisfying their ego and selfish drives to get their own way, to control, to achieve status (often implanted by insecure ambitious parents), to manipulate, make decisions, build empires, to collect material signs of achievement, monetary wealth, and particularly to establish protective mechanisms, such as 'yes-men' followers ('body-guards'), immunity from challenge and interference, scrutiny, judgement, etc. Early childhood experiences play an important part in creating bullies. Bullies are victims as well as aggressors. And although it's a tough challenge for anyone on the receiving end of their behaviour they actually deserve sympathy.

N.B. Sympathy is not proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in countering bullying. Rather, sympathy is advocated as a more constructive, stronger, alternative feeling to being fearful or intimidated.

Non-assertive people do not normally actually aspire to being excessively dominant people, and they certainly don't normally want to become bullies. When most people talk about wanting to be more assertive, what they really mean is 'I'd like to be more able to resist the pressure and dominance of excessively dominant people.' Doing this is not really so hard, and using simple techniques it can even be quite enjoyable and fulfilling.

Importantly, the non-assertive person should understand where they really are - a true starting point: non-assertive behaviour is a sign of strength usually, not weakness, and often it is the most appropriate behaviour for most situations - don't be fooled into thinking that you always have to be more assertive.

Understand where you want to be: what level of assertiveness do you want? Probably to defend yourself, and to control your own choices and destiny (which are relatively easy using the techniques below), not to control others.

For people who are not naturally assertive, it is possible to achieve a perfectly suitable level of assertiveness through certain simple methods and techniques, rather than trying to adopt a generally more assertive personal style (which could be counter-productive and stressful, because it would not be natural). People seeking to be more assertive can dramatically increase their effective influence and strength by using just one or two of these four behaviours prior to, or when confronted by a more dominant character or influence, or prior to and when dealing with a situation in which they would like to exert more control. Here are some simple techniques and methods for developing self-confidence and more assertive behaviour.

assertiveness and self-confidence methods and techniques

1. Know the facts relating to the situation and have the details to hand.
2. Be ready for - anticipate - other people's behaviour and prepare your responses.
3. Prepare and use good open questions.
4. Re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression (posters can help you think and become how you want to be - display positive writings where you will read them often - it's a proven successful technique).
5. Have faith that your own abilities and style will ultimately work if you let them.
6. Feel sympathy for bullies - they actually need it.
7. Read inspirational things that reinforce your faith in proper values and all the good things in your own natural style and self, for example, Ruiz's The Four Agreements, Kipling's If, Desiderata, Cherie Carter-Scott's 'rules of life',Wimbrow's The Guy In The Glass, etc.

know the facts and have them to hand

Ensure you know all the facts in advance - do some research, and have it on hand ready to produce (and give out copies if necessary). Bullies usually fail to prepare their facts; they dominate through bluster, force and reputation. If you know and can produce facts to support or defend your position it is unlikely that the aggressor will have anything prepared in response. When you know that a situation is going to arise, over which you'd like to have some influence, prepare your facts, do your research, do the sums, get the facts and figures, solicit opinion and views, be able to quote sources; then you will be able to make a firm case, and also dramatically improve your reputation for being someone who is organised and firm.

anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your responses

Anticipate other people's behaviour and prepare your own responses. Role-play in your mind how things are likely to happen. Prepare your responses according to the different scenarios that you think could unfold. Prepare other people to support and defend you. Being well prepared will increase your self-confidence and enable you to be assertive about what's important to you.

prepare and use good open questions

Prepare and use good questions to expose flaws in other people's arguments. Asking good questions is the most reliable way of gaining the initiative, and taking the wind out of someone's sails, in any situation. Questions that bullies dislike most are deep, constructive, incisive and probing, especially if the question exposes a lack of thought, preparation, consideration, consultation on their part. For example:

• 'What is your evidence (for what you have said or claimed)?'
• 'Who have you consulted about this?'
• 'How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?'
• 'How have you measured (whatever you say is a problem)?'
• 'How will you measure the true effectiveness of your solution if you implement it?'
• 'What can you say about different solutions that have worked in other situations?'

And don't be fobbed off. Stick to your guns. If the question is avoided or ignored return to it, or re-phrase it (which you can prepare as well).

re-condition and practice your own new reactions to aggression

Re-conditioning your own reaction to dominant people, particularly building your own 'triggered reactions', giving yourself 'thinking time' to prevent yourself being bulldozed, and 'making like a brick wall' in the face of someone else's attempt to dominate you without justification. Try visualising yourself behaving in a firmer manner, saying firmer things, asking firm clear, probing questions, and presenting well-prepared facts and evidence. Practice in your mind saying 'Hold on a minute - I need to consider what you have just said.' Also practice saying 'I'm not sure about that. It's too important to make a snap decision now.' Also 'I can't agree to that at such short notice. Tell me when you really need to know, and I'll get back to you.' There are other ways to help resist bulldozing and bullying. Practice and condition new reactions in yourself to resist, rather than cave in, for fear that someone might shout at you or have a tantrum. If you are worried about your response to being shouted at then practice being shouted at until you realise it really doesn't hurt - it just makes the person doing the shouting look daft. Practice with your most scary friend shouting right in your face for you to 'do as you are told', time after time, and in between each time say calmly (and believe it because it's true) 'You don't frighten me.' Practice it until you can control your response to being shouted at.

have faith that your own abilities will ultimately work if you use them

Non-assertive people have different styles and methods compared to dominant, aggressive people and bullies. Non-assertive people are often extremely strong in areas of process, detail, dependability, reliability, finishing things (that others have started), checking, monitoring, communicating, interpreting and understanding, and working cooperatively with others. These capabilities all have the potential to undo a bully who has no proper justification. Find out what your strengths and style are and use them to defend and support your position. The biggest tantrum is no match for a well organised defence.

feel sympathy rather than fear towards bullies

Re-discover the belief that non-assertive behaviour is actually okay - it's the bullies who are the ones with the problems. Feeling sympathy for someone who threatens you - thereby resisting succumbing to fearful or intimidated feelings - can help to move you psychologically into the ascendancy, or at least to a position where you can see weaknesses in the bully.

Aggressors and bullies were commonly children who were not loved, or children forced to live out the aspirations of their parents. In many ways all bullies are still children, and as far as your situation permits, seeing them as children can help you find greater strength and resistance. Transactional Analysis theory, and especially the modern TA concepts, are helpful for some people in understanding how this sort of childhood emotional damage affects people, and how specific communications can be planned and used in response to excessive dominance, bullying, temper tantrums, and other threatening behaviours.

N.B. The point above about feeling sympathy for bullies should not be seen as approval or justification for bullying. Neither is sympathy proposed here to be a sole or significant tactic in countering bullying. Rather, sympathy is advocated as a more constructive, stronger, alternative feeling to being fearful or intimidated. People responsible for bullying are the bullies, not the victims. So if you are a bully: get some feedback, get some help, and grow up.

Several tactics are explained above to tackle bullying head-on, as is often very necessary. Additionally in most western world countries, and many others besides, there are now serious laws and processes to protect people from bullying, and these protections should be invoked whenever bullying becomes a problem.

Picture is courtesy of FreeDIgitalPhotos.net

http://www.businessballs.com/self-confidence-assertiveness.htm

8 Ways to Improve Your Attitude

A positive attitude make success easy; a negative one makes success pointless.

If you truly want to be successful, your number one task should be to create and maintain a positive attitude. When you've got an attitude of optimism, expectancy and enthusiasm, opportunities grow, and problems shrink.

If you're a leader, a positive attitude draws people to your side and encourages them to do their best work. A leader with a negative attitude, however, can only compel others to take action through fear.

More importantly, what would be point of being successful if you're always feeling lousy?  With that in mind, here's how to ensure your attitude stays upbeat:

1. Always act with a purpose.

Before you take any action, decide how it will serve your greater goals.  If the connection is weak or non-existent, take that action off your to-do list. Aimless activity wastes time and energy.

2. Stretch yourself past your limits every day.

Doing the same-old, same-old is depressing, even if your same-old has been successful in the past. Success is like athletics; if you don't stretch yourself every day, you gradually become slow and brittle.

3. Take action without expecting results.

While you naturally must make decisions and take action based upon the results you'd like to achieve, it's a big mistake to expect those results and then be disappointed when you don't get them.  Take your best shot but don't obsess about the target.

4. Use setbacks to improve your skills.

Rather than feeling bad if you fail or get rejected, look back at your actions and see what you can do (if anything) to improve your performances.  Remember: the results you receiveare the signposts for the results you want to achieve.

5. Seek out those who share your positive attitude.

It's a scientific fact your brain automatically imitates the behaviors of the people around you.  (It's because of something called a mirror neuron).  Therefore, you should surround yourself with positive thinkers and shun those who are excessively negative.

6. Don't take yourself so seriously.

If you want to be happier and make those around you feel more comfortable, cultivate the ability to laugh at yourself.  If you don't (or can't) laugh at yourself, I guarantee you that the people you work with are laughing behind your back!

7. Forgive the limitations of others.

High standards are important, but humans are, well, human. It's crazy to make yourself miserable because other people can't do a job as well as you think you could, or when people don't share your vision with the same passion that you feel.

8. Say "thank you" more frequently.

Achieving an "attitude of gratitude" requires more than simply being aware of what's wonderful in your life.  You must, and should, thank other people for their gifts to you, even if that gift is something as simple as a smile.

iMAGE: ANDY PETERS/FLICKR

http://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/8-ways-to-improve-your-attitude.html

Zig Ziglar - Attitude Makes All The Difference

Zig Ziglar teaches people all over the world the fundamentals of sales and success. Here he tells a story of a woman with a negative attitude who hated her job, shifted her attitude and changed her life.

Personality Doesn't Determine Leadership Ability

Introvert? Extrovert? Doesn't matter. The good news is, neither personality type really matters when it comes to managing people.

I've learned a lot about leadership lately. Back in my heyday as a middle manager in corporate America, and before that as a manager for a small start-up, I found my introverted personality worked against me most of the time.

Back then, I'd rather sit and read a book in a coffeeshop than kick back with employees after work. I shunned the spotlight and chose introspection instead.

Introversion as the Enemy

I once had a pivotal meeting with an employee. She was a project manager on my team (I had somehow worked up to a director position). Long story short: she told me I was the worst boss ever and she hated my guts. She asked how I ever got into this role. She wanted to quit, but I talked her off the ledge--mostly by apologizing to her.

At the time, I viewed this exchange as mostly my fault. I was just not social enough; I didn't check in with her often enough to see how things were going. Sure, I had budgets to manage and meetings to attend. But my introverted personality got the best of me.

I'm not alone. After writing my story about carving out a management career as an introvert, I received dozens and dozens of supportive messages. It was in influx of people who have felt my pain. In most cases, the message was--"I'm also an introvert who struggles with managing people."

The good news is, your personality may not dictate how well you manage people as much as you think. Both extroverts and introverts can do it. The skills can be learned, adjusted, tweaked, and augmented.

A Learned Skill

This study is a useful tool for understanding how your specific personality can help you lead in a small business, and that leadership is a skill, not a talent. To get a summary, I spoke with Jim Kouzes, the co-author of the report. Kouzes and Barry Posner wrote "The Leadership Challenge" book and conduct the Leadership Practices Inventory.

"Leadership is a set of skills and abilities that are learnable by anyone who has the desire to improve and the willingness to practice," Kouzes says. "That's true for extroverts and introverts alike. They each have particular preferences for how they energize themselves, take in information, make decisions, and organize themselves, but both are equally capable of providing exemplary leadership."

Kouzes told me every personality type has to lead by example. This hit home for me: I used to think I had to be big and blustery with team members when talking about my vision. In reality, I could have accomplished the same goal in my own way. I didn't need to try and be animated or social--I needed to improve my skills. The reason that employee thought I was a terrible boss was mostly due to my lack of communication, which didn't have to be blustery at all--it just had to be consistent.

"Extroverts tend to express their passion about principles with great vigor, while introverts would be more likely to engage in quiet conversation about expectations," explained Kouzes. For me, that would have meant more in-person mentoring with employees, learning about their needs and desires--something I've become very good at subsequently as a journalist over the past 12 years interviewing people.

Interestingly, I was exceptionally good at "visioneering" in the workplace. When I started in one corporate job with three people, it grew to almost 50 in only five years. We took on projects in every part of the organization, and I was good at selling our services. Many of these meetings involved one-on-ones with higher-level executives.

Kouzes says any personality type can learn the skill of communicating vision.

"Extroverts tend to demonstrate this practice by brainstorming opportunities or directly appealing to the desires of others," he says. "Introverts, on the other hand, are more inclined to imagine what could be in their minds or exchanging ideas in one-on-one conversations. Extroverts have to work a bit harder at giving space to others to share their hopes, dreams and aspirations, while introverts are very mindful of the need to be inclusive," he says.

It's still a journey for me.

What's your story? Post in the comments if you've been able to figure out your own successes and failures, and how your personality type hindered or helped.

IMAGE: GETTY 

http://www.inc.com/john-brandon/introvert-extrovert-personality-type-leadership.html