Friday, April 26, 2013

What to Do When You've Made Someone Angry


I was running late. My wife Eleanor and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o'clock and it was already half past. I had a good excuse in the form of a client meeting that ran over and I wasted no time getting to the dinner as fast as possible.



When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told her I didn't mean to be late.
She answered: "You never mean to be late." Uh oh, she was mad.
"Sorry," I retorted, "but it was unavoidable." I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanations not soothe her, they seemed to make things worse. That started to make me angry.
That dinner didn't turn out to be our best.
Several weeks later, when I was describing the situation to a friend of mine, Ken Hardy, a professor of family therapy, he smiled.
"You made a classic mistake," he told me.
"Me? I made the mistake?" I was only half joking.
"Yes. And you just made it again," he said. "You're stuck in your perspective: You didn't mean to be late. But that's not the point. The point is that you were late. The point — and what's important in your communication — is how your lateness impacted Eleanor."
In other words, I was focused on my intention while Eleanor was focused on the consequences. We were having two different conversations. In the end, we both felt unacknowledged, misunderstood, and angry.
The more I thought about what Ken said, the more I recognized that this battle — intention vs. consequences — was the root cause of so much interpersonal discord.
As it turns out, it's not the thought that counts or even the action that counts. That's because the other person doesn't experience your thought or your action. They experience the consequences of your action.
Here's another example: You send an email to a colleague telling him you think he could have spoken up more in a meeting.
He replies to the email, "Maybe if you spoke less, I would have had an opportunity to say something!"
That obviously rankles you. Still, you send off another email trying to clarify the first email: "I didn't mean to offend you, I was trying to help." And then maybe you add some dismay at the aggressiveness of his response.
But that doesn't make things better. He quotes the language of your first email back to you. "Don't you see how it reads?" He asks. "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" You write back, IN CAPS.
So how do you get out of this downward spiral?
It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.
What if you don't think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn't matter. Because you're not striving for agreement. You're going for understanding.
What should I have said to Eleanor?
"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."
All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"
In the email back and forth I described earlier, instead of clarifying what you meant, consider writing something like: "I could see how my criticizing your performance — especially via email — feels obnoxious to you. How it sounds critical and maybe dismissive of your efforts in the meeting."
I said this was simple but I didn't say it was easy.
The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We're so focused on our own challenges that it's often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves.
But we're not. We're just empathizing.
Here's a trick to make it easier. While they're getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they're angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you'd listen and let them know you see how angry they are.
And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I've expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.
That's because the reason I'm explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I've already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we're both usually ready to move on.
And if you do still feel the need? You'll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.
If we succeed in doing all this well, we'll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: our behavior.
After that last conversation with Eleanor — after really understanding the consequences of my lateness on her — somehow, someway, I've managed to be on time a lot more frequently.

Persuasion Tactics in a Person-to-Person Setting

Persuasion is easier to apply during a conversation between two people, as opposed to communicating in front of a group.
This is because in a person-to-person setting, the opportunity to better understand the point of view of the other party exists. You can nitpick and delve into every single detail, as opposed to speaking to an audience, where the interaction is usually one sided.

In this kind of setting, it is possible for you and the other person to reach a compromise that would bring the best probable value for both of you. You may even want to change your stance while you're at it.

In short, person-to-person conversations are so open and flexible that it allows not just you to change course, but also allow you to alter another person's mindset.
How do you get the most out of person-to-person interactions?

1) Have patience.
Persuasion may not happen on your first try - or even the second, the third, or the fourth. There are times that a certain idea has to be pondered on and assessed more deeply and critically, that to be too aggressive in getting acceptance might only ruin chances of a good deal.
We've been through this situation before. How many times have we been told, "If you try to push me one more time, I will have to turn you down"?

Effective persuasion requires skill, not annoying pushiness. If you are sensitive enough to know the symptoms of agreement or submission, you will be able to steer the conversation to a point where you have the opportunity to persuade.
If the other party doesn't seem to be leaning toward your idea and his or her body language shows it, then you should know better to try at another time instead.

One of the greatest mistakes of persuasiveness is your penchant to answer back and rebut. We often try to pretend to listen to another person's idea, which we do not really agree to, when in fact, what we are doing is preparing for a rebuttal to his or her statements.


2) Stop yourself from rebutting too much.
No matter how discreet you try to be at this, the other party will eventually notice that you are zoned out and will do the same to you when it's your turn to give your ideas.
What ensues is a discussion that has two levels: one that is verbal and obvious, and one that is based on underlying meanings and subliminal banter. You may be able to prove your point and so will the other person, but nobody really wins.

Nobody can successfully persuade if the conversation is just based on a subliminal battle. When you're trying to sell something, this will be your deal killer. In a friendship, this is what will burn bridges. This habit is very undesirable. Try to stop yourself every time you feel inclined to do so.

3) Be passionate.
To effectively persuade another person, you have to truly believe in what you are saying. Intellectual honesty and genuine concern for other people will give you that persuasive edge.

If you don't feel passionate enough, the other party will notice it and will not be convinced. It's not likely that you will be able to successfully sell an idea you have feel no passion about.

4) "Allow" others to persuade you.
You can't be effective at persuasion if you are not open to being persuaded also. Remember, you're not the only one who is trying to get your point heard. In a person-to-person setting, the other party is also seeking to win you over to his or her side.

5) Be generous with compliments.
People love to hear something nice about themselves. So find something praise-worthy about the person in question. It doesn't have to be too profound.
People feel good about hearing compliments, so try to express your delight more freely. However, don't over do it because that might cause them to doubt your sincerity; and more importantly, don't sound like a crazy stalker.

In order to persuade, you must be sincere. Aside from that, you also need to effectively communicate your emotions and thoughts. You can do this not just by saying the right things, but also by employing the proper assertive behavior and body language. Thus, if you want to improve your persuasion skills, don't be a drag. Be open-minded and show it.

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Monday, April 22, 2013

Winning is a habit (Vince Lombardi)

Short motivational clip, taken from ESPN Promo footage with Vince Lombardi, a famous American Football Coach

10 Beliefs You Need to Succeed at Anything

Faith
1. Obstacles might seem like wild animals but in reality they are cowards in front of my courageous glare
Obstacles are formidable in appearance, greater in size and wilder in character in front of our timid and weaker spirit. Obstacles and difficulties are inevitable; however, getting frightened is our choice. Success is not determined by obstacles rather our reaction towards them. Apparently, they may seem gigantic but they crumble or disappear in front of our courageous spirit and unwavering faith.
Japanese engineer and industrialist Soichiro Honda wrote his own success story in spite of obstinate obstacles that consistently fenced around him. He invested his every bit of fortune in his tiny workshop where he would work day in and day out, developing his concept of a piston ring that he dreamed to sell to Toyota Corporation. 
When he finally presented his invention to Toyota, they rejected it immediately saying it wasn’t worth accepting. His years of consistent hard work, money and energy went in vain. He was laughed at by his fellow student and teachers for his absurd design.
After a lot of additional hard work, he finally got a call from Toyota and was offered the contract. Now he had to build a factory for further work and it was the time when the World War two broke. The Japanese government declined his demand of concrete required for building the factory. 
Instead of wasting time on regretting, he developed his own techniques to create concrete and continued his work. His building was destroyed twice in heavy bombardment of the war but he stood tall with his courage and dared to repair it. Finally, his factory was completely smashed by earthquake.
Did he give up?
Honda was determined to continue his journey regardless of obstacles by staying focused and standing firm on his principles. After the world war, Japan faced terrific gasoline shortage for which the Japanese had to use alternatives to travel. To get rid of the problem, Honda used a strategy – he created a motorized bike by attaching a small motor to his bicycle to bring food for his family. 
His motorized bikes became instant hit among his neighbors who requested him to build more such bikes and the demand ever increased. When he decided to establish factory to produce motors, he couldn’t collect enough money to invest.
Did he give up here?
He wrote personal letter to 18,000 bicycle shop owners across Japan among which about 5000 owners were convinced by his invention and provided him with the capital. Today, Honda is known to be one of the biggest car-making empires in Japan and has more than 100,000 employees working across the United States and Japan. He beat every obstacle by his perseverance, determination and unwavering faith in his decisions.
2. Distinctive ideas are special gifts but without action these gifts will remain vain ornamentation of mind
Action is of paramount significance as it is an investment for actualizing your vision and delineating your identity of who you are. If your noble intention, desire or brilliant ideas are not translated into action, then they will remain idle possessions, only to embellish your mind to show-off. The secret of reaching your goal is to get started to break the fallacies about intricacy of tasks required to take. It’s action that makes you wiser and determines your importance.
Well-done is far better than well-said. Inch of action is better than masses of theory and speculation. Long-term risk is better than comfortable inaction. The genuine adventurous journey doesn’t start in seeking rather in taking steps towards it. You might have seen and met people who succeeded on the idea which you had in your mind. What’s the difference between them and you – Lack of talent, skill, special gift, technology or opportunity?
Determination to take ACTION is their secret to success. Successful people might not envision the exact destination; they might not have error proof plans to work on; however, they know the significance of taking consistent ACTION. They fail oftentimes but keep trying.
3. Regardless of who I am, I am capable of creating history
If you consider greatest inventions or discoveries, you will end up knowing about the audacious initiations of the greatest creators – Scientists, Philosophers, Artists, Thinkers, and innovators who continued to undertake unique ventures on their unborrowed vision by walking on fire irrespective of consequences. 
They were little deaf towards the ruthless denunciation or condemnation, a little blind to the difficulties and completely impotent or helpless to their irresistible aspiration for creating something distinctive. Nothing could keep them from putting their confidence and devotion into their ideas.
Be well-equipped with courageous spirit, and never-give-up attitude for the blend of thrilling, fascinating and infuriating experience – consistent rejection, painful reception and unbearable suffering on the way.
German mechanical engineer Karl Friedrich Benz, who is best known as the inventor of the gasoline-powered automobile, was the first person to design a functioning automobile powered by an internal-combustion engine. In 1880, when people couldn’t imagine any carriage without horses, he dreamed of making one. He worked on his concept and designed his first “horseless carriage”- a tiller-controlled three-wheel steel-frame wagon that was powered by an internal combustion engine, and patented his Motor wagon in 1886. 
His car was largely promoted by his wife Bertha Benz who drew worldwide attention in 1888 by covering the long distance of 100 kilometers in her husband’s invention. If Karl hadn’t worked on the idea, someone else would have worked on it and taken the credit.
We are all no different than Karl and Bertha. We are capable of creating history. It is far better to attempt until the last breath than to celebrate others’ accomplishment on your ideas.
4.The people or difficulties whose influences are stronger on me are chosen by me – it can make me an extraordinarily successful employee or a remarkable boss.
Earnest searching for a scapegoat for your inadequate-self or cursing circumstances might be the optimum strategy for shielding the tender heart from sensing the truth but that momentum luxury ultimately leads you to even more devastating state of confrontation – inability to accomplish your own art by shouldering accountability for every endeavor. 
People around can only ATTEMPT to construct or destruct you but that’s not a matter of supreme concern; what matters is whether you allow them to progress in their mission. Blaming others surfaces your lack of concentration in your actions.
Indulge in self-reproach and you will feel the great tranquility of heart for not using others’ vehicle to park your blunders and will have time to invest your energy in your distinctive creation.
The Wright brothers were criticized and laughed at their absurd and unrealistic idea of flying. They had been through difficulties, denunciation and defeats and depression but never let anybody’s negative influence rule over them. Finally they succeeded.
Remember, adventurous voyages are always full of treacherous and whimsy weather that sometimes become difficult by some morons who keep popping up to discourage and distract your focus but it is your decision to admit defeat to their indiscretions or bend them to your will.
5. Thanks to my noble failures that invigorated me with distinctive experiences, strength and courage that all together served me towards my eminent accomplishments
Failures are the constant stream of blessings that revitalize you with superior knowledge, enlarged inner vision, audacious spirit, and determination to start more intelligently after every fall. Failure is a magnificent motivating force (positive as well as negative) – you can waste yourself in the inevitable discouragements and disappointments in temporary detour of the force and give up or break the limiting force by striving valiantly, and consistently. 
When you feel your enthusiasm to be fizzling out, initiate your ‘PERSISTENCE’ to lift up the spirit of the journey of greatest accomplishment.
6. The stronger negative phrases – could have been, might have been, and would or should have been – create the saddest synopsis of a life. Therefore, I strongly refuse to their existence.
Could have been, might have been, and would or should have been are most destructive forces that seduce you to indulge yourself into daydreams. Instead of making preferences, or wishing to accomplish them with determination and actions, you will experience how easy it is to really meet them. Wishing is such a waste of time.
Count how many wishes you make and how many decisions you actually take to achieve them. When you wish for something without taking tough decision and action to achieve it, and experience somebody is enjoying the status of your desire, then a painful conflicting metal situation – desperation for having it but not getting – arises in deep within that often surfaces through your negative reactions on insignificant issues.
7. I am made up of amazing variety of imperfections from which my versatile personality emerges
We are actually made up of a variety of flaws, which is obvious and natural part of existence and nature itself is wonderful interpretation of perfect and ideal state intermingled with beauty and imperfections. 
We make heaps and tons of silly mistakes upon which we later regret but it’s true we learn series of lessons about ourselves; imperfection is the essence of wholesome beauty. Instead of trying to brush off the flaws clinging to you, stitch them together with noble intension and you will see they will shine like starts in you to make you more precious.
“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.” -Saint Francis de Sale
8. I am not a loser; I have just lost something! I am not a failure; I have rather found out the ways that won’t work
‘I am a failure’ and ‘I have failed at something’ are two complete different thing. When you call yourself a loser or a failure, you leave no room for consistent attempts but when you say ‘I have failed at something’ then you can search for other possible ways to achieve your task. Fail again fail better but try again without losing enthusiasm and accomplish it.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” ― Thomas A. Edison
“I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” ― Benjamin Franklin
9. I would prefer choosing my outdated or old fashioned passion than taking up the most attractive career of current trend.
Passion is the most powerful force that propels you with enthusiasm, elevates your soul, and ignites your desperation to accomplish your goals. Find out what is that you are tremendously passionate about and work on it instead of getting lost in the crowd with a profession of current trend.
A flame of desire never ends when you are honestly committed towards your passion. Passion creates freedom when you are imprisoned by your negative perceptions, persuades you to fight against tyrannical defeats and win over your give-up feelings.
“There is no greatness without a passion to be great, whether it’s the aspiration of an athlete or an artist, a scientist, a parent, or a businessperson.” – Anthony Robbins
10. Patience. “He that can have patience, can have what he will.” Benjamin Franklin
Nothing great emerges all of a sudden, it takes time, patience and perseverance to succeed at anything. Mel Fisher, an American treasure hunter, discovered more than $400 million worth gold and silver bullion after seven years of searching for an undersea treasure.
Dasarath majhi, who is best known as the Mountain man, slit a hill apart after persistently hammering it for 22 years to shorten the distance from 50km to 10km between Atri and Wazirganj of Bihar, India.
Jadav Payeng single-handedly transformed the 1,360-acre barren sandbar into a lush green forest with 30 long years of consistent hard work and incredible patience.
http://www.successstories.co.in/10-beliefs-you-need-to-succeed-at-anything/

Create Your Own ‘Vessel of Change’ by Shifting Your Words

Vessel of Change
Words are nothing but the twistings and manipulations of their proprietor and they hold the power to squeeze tears from the hardest hearts or brighten the smile on the saddest face on earth. Words can inflame hope or evoke devastation; heal wounds or deepen the scars. Likewise, if manipulated deftly, Words are innocent, neutral, naïve, precise but their reverberations are comprehensive, profound and infinite that embolden and enlighten our spirit and heighten the most empowering emotions. Words can be equally aggressive, and chaotic that erect the bridge across your incomprehension and frivolity towards the things around that make you a prisoner, perforate your skin, wriggle around your limbs, pollute your blood and maneuver your thoughts. The fine conscience of minute distinctions and delicate nuances of meaning of WORDS and TERMS are the entrance to the infinite wisdom of controlling your whole system of ‘Reactions and Responses’ towards situations.
‘Reactions and Responses’ towards WORDS create the man of success or certainly destroy him from the very derivation. Our unbridled dedication towards actions are initiated, inspired and influenced by the ‘selection of words’. A successful man chooses the words from the abundance of heart and rich tapestry of magnificent experience in the presence of witness.
Linguists say that our personalities are shaped by words and we should now realize that we are the creatures of our perception and belief system that are actually formed by WORDS; therefore, choose the words that make you feel emotionally charged and psychologically transformational.
Let’s pick up some Words to experience how we feel:
‘Kindness’ stimulates warming feelings and reminds the world of ‘generosity’, ‘tenderness’, ‘bliss’, ‘integrity’ where hatred evaporates and aliens transmutes into trusting friends. Associate yourself with some greatest humanitarians such as Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi and Oskar Schindler who transformed the world with their universal benevolence and appreciative heart. Ultimately it passes an impeccable positive sentiment to contribute in creating the world a place of an eternal bliss.
‘Hatred’, an emotionally reversed atmosphere of kindness, incorporates negative sensation that glitters irresistibly in words like ‘revenge’, ‘sadness’, ‘abhorrence’, ‘cruelty’, ‘selfishness’, ‘jealous’, ‘hostility’, ‘war’ and ‘destruction’. It conjures up different things of what you have personal disregards for ‘I hate my job most’, ‘I hate my look’ or ‘I hate being in my disposition’, it reminds you of being a victim of hatred, or hatred advocators – Hitlar, who instilled the lust for war in German people by his disempowering words, Saddam Hussein, who promoted hostility in Iraqi citizens by his powerfully persuasive words. It infuriates you and numbs your other senses except prominent resonance – ‘hatred’.
How about ‘Cheerfulness’? – the personal SUN of happiness for enduring the darkness and synonymous feelings of ‘blithe’, ‘kinetic’, ‘energetic’, ‘buoyant’, ‘vivacious’ and ‘optimistic’ that stand as the solid wall against any destructive force to pierce you through. it summons the happiest moments of your life and leads you to the sea of delight.
‘Rage’ is a destructive energy, seeping out of your mind that is visibly protruded in words like ‘clenched-teeth’, ‘anger’, ‘furious’, ‘rampage’, and ‘vehemence’ which hosts the ‘wresting of wrath and violence’ within and snatches the self-controlling power to handle the circumstances wisely and peacefully. Ultimately you suffer the penalty of your own creation ‘Rage’.
Can you feel how instantaneously the intensity of your emotions can be altered by shifting your vocabulary? Light-hearted, quiet and spiritual person carry the weightiest words to be still in the ‘peak state of happiness’.
Shift your words and create the vessel of change:
It is possible to completely change your disempowering feelings by adopting and shifting new words in your consistent vocabulary. Instead of saying..
It is… IMPOSSIBLE, say ‘I have to search for other POSSIBILITIES’,
Replace ‘I am BEMUSED’ by ‘I am CURIOUS’
‘I am REJECTED’ by ‘I am OVERLOOKED’
‘I am a FOOL’ by ‘I am DIFFERENT’
‘I am a complete FAILURE’ by ‘I am LEARNING’
‘I have been INSULTED’ by ‘I have been MISUNDERSTOOD’
‘I am FRUSTRATED’ by ‘I am RECHARGING myself’ or ‘I am RE-ENERGIZING myself’
‘I am DEPRESSED’ by ‘I am RELOADING or RESTORING my energy’
‘I am ANXIOUS’ by ‘I am EXCITED’
‘I am FRIGHTENED’ by ‘I am FACINATED’
‘I have FAILED’ by ‘I have STUMBLED UPON’
‘I am a LOOSER’ by ‘I am SEARCHER of variety of other options’
‘I am STUPID’ by ‘I am an INDIVIDUAL’
‘My head is full of SHITS’ by ‘I am CLEANSING my unresourceful thoughts’
Number goes on…..
Let’s check how you feel with new vocabulary and accordingly change, manage, maintain and implement them to get the best and desired result. Wish you all the very best :-)
http://www.successstories.co.in/create-your-own-vessel-of-change-by-shifting-your-words/

R I S E - Motivational Video

How Interviewers Know When to Hire You in 90 Seconds

We can’t get enough about the art of interviewing in these times. We all fret job interviews and prepare as much as possible but there is little way of predicting their outcomes. Well at least we have some cool stats in this infographic complied by our friends at Come Recommended:
  • 33% of bosses know within the first 90 seconds of an interview whether they will hire someone
  • Having little to no knowledge of the company is the most common mistake made during interviews 
  • 67% of bosses say that failure to make eye contact is a common nonverbal mistake
  • When meeting new people, 55% of the impact comes from the way the person dresses, acts and walks through the door
  • 65% of bosses indicate that clothes could be a deciding factor between two almost-identical candidates 
  • The number one question most likely to be asked is: “Tell me about yourself”
  • The number one most common mistake at a job interview is: failing to ask for the jobhow do interviewers know when to hire you

A father shares a dozen ideas on how to be successful


Going through the papers of my recently deceased father, I ran across a typewritten piece titled, “Upon Your College Graduation.” It was dated June 1979 and was written for me.
“A couple of years ago you asked if I could offer any advice about what it took for a man to become successful,” it began. He reflected on the matter and composed some thoughts.
Here are some highlights.
Right and wrong
Dad quoted Kentucky author Janice Holt Giles from her 1950 novel “The Enduring Hills,” who he said wrote in part: “In a world where everything has become blurred ... wrong is still wrong ... (and) right is right, eternally, everlastingly and unquestionably right.”
Criticism
“You’ll have critics in your professional life and among your friends and relatives until six of your strong friends come to carry your casket to that final flowered hillside somewhere out yonder,” Dad wrote. “So learn to accept and live with it the best you can. It’s a very natural part of life, and you can become strong because of it or perish if unable to understand it.”
Loyalty
Dad quoted from a once-famous inspirational essay that Elbert Hubbard wrote in 1899:
“If you work for a man, in Heaven’s name work for him. If he pays wages that supply you your bread and butter, work for him, speak well of him, think well of him and stand by him, and stand by the institution he represents ... If put to the pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. If you must vilify, condemn and eternally disparage, why, resign your position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart’s content. But, I pray you, so long as you are a part of an institution, do not condemn it. Not that you will injure the institution — not that — but when you disparage the concern of which you are a part, you disparage yourself.”
What workers want
“Money and benefits? Wrong! Pensions and holidays? No! They all want desperately to work for an organization that listens to them. They cry out for recognition ... They want a chance to move up when they deserve it. They want somebody to adopt their ideas ...”
Handling tension
Dad didn’t believe in using pills or booze or cigarettes to address tension. He said regular exercise and hard, physical work “will provide the same healthy release.”
An old banker once told Dad about a time when he was having problems with a client. The banker sought advice not from another banker, but from a simple laborer who worked for him.
“Mr. Trimble,” the laborer said, “if I were you, I’d think real hard on that problem this evening, sleep on it tonight and when I was up in the morning, I’d try to forget all about it.”
Work hard
“If I picked one single quality as the prime ingredient of success, I’d say hard work is No. 1,” Dad declared.
He was fond of quoting Thomas Edison saying: “Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.”
Be sincere
“Don’t use friends, associates, relatives or lovers,” Dad advised. “One always pays a dear price for his insincerity.”
Be your own man
“Committees don’t write great books or paint great masterpieces,” he said. “Individuals do.”
Be enthusiastic
“Be somebody. Raise your voice. Protest. Get mad. Ban pay restrooms at airports,” Dad counseled.
“What a shame it would be in the entire ceremony of life came and went for you, and no one noticed,” he added.
Practice humility
“You won’t need to tell people you’re good. They’ll know as will the boss,” Dad advised. “Take your bows modestly and with humility.”
Learn patience
“Don’t fret. Worry not about much. Forgive easily, for the grudges you carry form black clouds in the mind,” he said.
Keep your word
“The last utterance I heard from my father [was], ‘He was a fellow who always kept his word,’ ” Dad wrote.
In wrapping up, he offered some final tips: “Learn to pray ... Admit you don’t know much ...
“Oh yes, I almost forgot one final idea. Money! I’ve put it at the bottom of priorities for success. It belongs there.”
picture is courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Monday, April 15, 2013

How To Respond To Criticism (Part 1: Verbal Aikido)


“What a stupid idea!” your colleague bursts out. “It will never work.”
How can you respond?
Say, “You are wrong,” and you escalate the conflict.
Say, “I am wrong,” and you betray yourself.
Your colleague must have not read my previous post about humility. Or if he did, he must have been the one who commented that it was a stupid article.
Here are a several ways to deal with criticism.
An Ounce of Prevention
The only way to win a fight with a colleague is not to have it. Beating him will get you, at best, a defeated resentful opponent.
Here are four general strategies that reduce conflicts. They don’t guarantee you will avoid them, but minimize their probability.
Should they happen, they increase your odds of resolving them constructively. They create a positive predisposition towards collaborative relationships.
If you face an arrogant attack, they will help expose its irrationality, not only to you, but also to others who might frown upon your critic's strong-arm tactics. If you face constructive criticism, they will help you and your critic turn the fight into a dance.
These strategies are not “nice” in the sense that they allow anybody to state whatever opinion they want. They are “clarifying” in the sense they eliminate the fog of war that prevents rational discussion. They are rules of engagement similar to the ones of the scientific method, which focus on reason and evidence. They take hostility out of the equation, allowing for a logical consideration of the different points of view.
  1. Speak with humility. Present your argument in safe language, as I described here. Own your opinions. Present them in first person as the conclusion of your reasoning process. This gives others the chance to present a different opinion without clashing with yours. For example, when you say, “In light of the evidence from the focus groups, I believe that the marketing campaign is ready to launch.” you make room for your counterpart to say, “I disagree. The focus groups may have liked the ads, but our retailers are not convinced.”
  2. Listen with respect. Pay attention to others’ arguments, as I described here, especially when you disagree with them. Reciprocity is the most powerful influence you can exert. If you genuinely try to understand their perspective, they are more likely to try to understand yours. For example, when you say, “It worries me that the retailers are not convinced, what do you suggest we do about it?” you neither discount his data nor yours. This allows both of you to examine all perspectives.
  3. Choose your battle. If the disagreement is a matter of personal preferences, there is no need to agree. It is futile to argue whether chocolate “tastes” better than strawberry. It may taste better to you, and it may taste worse to him. Unless a joint decision is necessary, it is best to agree to disagree. The desire to “be right” fuels fights that serve no practical purpose.
  4. Choose your battlefield. Culture can be defined as “the way we do things around here”. If you live in a culture where might makes right, your humility and respect will weaken you. Bullies will always win out in bully-land. Or at least until the group is eliminated by fitter competitors. Reason always beats force in the long term. If you don´t want to go the way of the dinosaurs, evolve to a more rational niche.
In spite of your preventative actions, you may need to face an arrogant attack. It`s time to apply verbal aikido.
A Pound of Cure
If someone pushes you, what do you feel like doing?
Push back.
If you push back, what does she feel like doing?
Push harder.
She pushes, you push back, she pushes harder, you push back harder. You are both stuck in an escalating conflict. You are wasting tremendous energy trying to overcome the other’s “resistance” while going nowhere. Talk about inefficiency!
There are three steps to transform this kind of fight into a dance. When you challenger pushes you,
  1. Yield. Acknowledge her statement, modifying it slightly to attribute her opinion to her. For example, you would receive “You are wrong!” saying, “You think I’m wrong.” “This won´t work,” saying, “You believe this won´t work…” Or “We must act now,” saying, “You feel we must act now.”
  2. Blend. Join her in a positive intention. Stand by her, looking in the same direction to see what she sees. For example, you could declare, “I want to correct any errors I am making,” or “I want to find what would work,” or “I want to take advantage of the opportunity as well.”
  3. Extend. Inquire about the reasoning that leads her to her conclusion. “I hear what you think,” you can reassure her as you summarize her view. Followed by, “I want to understand also why you think what you think. Can you explain it to me?” For example, you can ask, “Where do you think I am wrong? Am I using wrong data, incorrect assumptions, or illogical inferences?” or “What makes you think it won’t work? What negative consequences do you foresee if we try it? What do you suggest we do instead?”
If she offers you a convincing argument, you can change your mind. “Thanks for correcting my calculation”, you might say gracefully, “I made a mistake.” Or “I thought that the risks of releasing a buggy product were too high. Your data makes me think differently now.” Yes, you may lose some face if people think that proving you are right is more important than finding what is right, but as a teacher once told me, “If you want to grow, you must love the truth more than you love your face.”
If you are not convinced but see that there is room doubt, you can explain, “My opinion has not changed, but I see that you have some valid points I need to consider. Let´s think of how we could move forward in a way that works for both of us.”
If you think the other’s objection is ungrounded, you might counter, “I don´t understand how you reach your conclusion. I see why the course of action I suggest is not convenient to you, but it still seems to me the best alternative for the company. What is the benefit for the company of releasing a beta version rather than waiting for the QA engineers to finish their job?”
These ideas are common sense, but not common practice. The difficulty is not intellectual but emotional. Like a martial art, knowing does not come from reading but from practicing. The good news is that you live in the dojo.
I have written a companion post with examples derived from challenging comments by readers. You can find it here.
I wonder what critical attacks you have experienced at work, and how have you responded. Let me know in your comments below.
Aikido, said its founder, is the art of reconciliation. Whoever has the mind to fight has broken his connection with the universe. If you try to dominate other people, you are already defeated. We study how to resolve conflict, not how to start it. ” Terry Dobson
Photo: Bonzami Emmanuelle/123RF

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Steve Jobs explains the rules for success

You need a lot of passion for what you're doing because its so hard. Without passion, any rational person would give up. So if youre not having fun doing it, if you dont absolutely love it, youre going to give up. And thats what happens to most people, actually.

If you look at the ones that ended up being successful in the eyes of society, often times its the ones who love what they do, so they could persevere when it got really tough. And the ones that didnt love it, quit. Because theyre sane, right? 

Who would put up with this stuff if you dont love it? So its a lot of hard work and its a lot of worrying constantly.
If you dont love it, youre going to fail.

Douglas Goodey Inspirational and motivational video

Inspirational and motivational video about how Douglas Goodey found the motivation to get out of $4.5 Million Debt and went on to make $20 million! 

One of the most inspiring stories ever told about one mans courage and bravery and how he went from broke to multi-millionaire back to broke and back to multi-millionaire again.

Inspiring thousands around the world, Douglas's story is the story of rags to riches that will give you the motivational kick you need to realise that anything is possible. Inspiring and inspirational for anyone at any age, young or old. debt, or just looking for the motivation to succeed? This video is a must watch.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Career Management: 8 Tips For Disagreeing With The Boss


Disagreeing With The BossDisagreeing with other people, without taking a body count or courting disaster, is something most people try to avoid. Nevertheless, we recognize we can’t always agree with everything that comes our way – even if it comes from the boss. Many of us think disagreeing with the boss is one of those career-limiting moves to be avoided as all costs. Think again.
Most managers want to think they’ve hired brilliant people who can think and act well on the company’s behalf. That includes not letting them (or anyone else) drive off a metaphorical cliff. That means you are being paid to use your brain AND mouth.
The diversity that takes place in the workplace isn’t just about race or religion; it’s about ideas, perspectives, and insight. If you are truly engaging in what is taking place at work, it’s not possible to agree with the boss 100% of the time.

8 Tips For Disagreeing With The Boss

You can disagree with the boss and make that disagreement a win-win for both of you. You can win because you can make it career enhancing. The boss can win because they will come off as an engaging manager and get a much better end result. Here are eight tips to turn disagreement into a great thing for your career:

1. Disagree, But Don’t Be Disagreeable

When something strikes you as wrong or out of line, keep your emotions in check. No one, especially the boss, will appreciate an emotionally charged rebuttal. People tend to mirror each other’s energy level, and if you turn red and flap your arms, it will be met with equal intensity.

2. Don’t Make It Personal

The conversation will go much better if you are addressing the issue or topic and not making your disagreement about the person, your boss.

3. Be Clear About What You Don’t Agree With

If you can’t articulate what is troubling you about something, wait until you can be clear. If you can’t be clear, you will not have a conversation that will make any sense to the recipient. A confusing conversation will not leave a great impression.

4. Offer Alternatives

Nothing falls flatter than squashing an idea only to have nothing to replace it with. If you can’t think up a better idea, then what good is the disagreement? Sure, you might not like the idea, but if you can’t come up with something else, then go with what you have. You have to solve problems to be an asset.

5. Make Things Private

Depending on the setting and issue, you may need to take your disagreement to a private setting with your boss. This allows you to cover whatever you need to, have a discussion and keep both of you looking good to the rest of the office. You never want to embarrass the boss; if you do, they will remember much too long. They will appreciate your sensitivity and professionalism when you have the insight to know when it’s time to have a private discussion.

6. Seek To Understand

Many conflicts and disagreements are rooted in a failure to communicate and understand the other person. When something does arise that doesn’t hit you right, ask questions and gain clarity. You may discover that you do agree after all. Doing this will also help you avoid discomfort.

7. Don’t Be A “Yes” Person

This is more than simply sucking up to the boss. This is agreeing with the boss at the cost of your character, values, and career. You might think it will enhance your career, but it will back-fire against you as the higher ups see that your contributions are limited.

8. Disagree And Commit

The biggest issue that managers have when employees disagree is their becoming insubordinate and undermining efforts. If you have followed all of these steps and you still have disagreement, then it’s time for you to disagree and commit yourself to whatever is being proposed.
After all, the idea or direction might really work out well. Your manager will think you are truly a professional if you can work through your disagreement, offer solutions, and be able to “get on board.”
Certainly, out there in the universe are managers with fragile egos who can’t tolerate anyone disagreeing with their mandates or directions. They too will only get just so far in their career. Anytime you limit the free flow of thought and contribution, you limit the possibilities.
You need to screen for these people in your job search. If you wound up with a boss like that, you should consider a different group or job. But for most managers, they enjoy discussion and debate as a means of developing great ideas and direction. They understand that disagreement is part of the process.

Digital First Impressions: You Only Get One


It’s a fact that the world has dramatically changed, so whether you like it or not, your digital presence is out there and people can find your footprints.
Unless you’ve been living in some remote Amazonian backwater for the last 20 years there will be something hiding out there about you on the web. The reality is that we have all moved into the digital age and have accepted the internet as a way of life for communication. Information now travels instantly, network connections are made every day and first impressions are made without our knowledge.
It’s been said that you have 10 seconds to make a good impression, which is especially relevant if you are a user of any of the social media channels. Even if you don’t share all of your personal life online there still is a good chance that certain elements of your life can be traced. In simple terms this means that you either have to tighten up your privacy settings or behave yourself.
social media best practices
Privacy is limited
Just recently in the UK, a teenager was appointed as Britain’s first Youth and Crime Commissioner by Kent Police. Within a short, time the news of Paris Brown's position hit the headlines, but for all the wrong reasons. Tweets that she had sent from as young as 14 were plastered over the front pages of a National Newspaper. It was claimed that her past comments on Twitter were racist, homophobic and contained drug references. Kent Police then announced that they were investigating whether her comments amounted to a criminal offence.
When Kent Police recruited Paris to the role she was described as "an extraordinary young person with exceptional skills and a proven track record with working with young people." The initial first impressions were then destroyed by these past comments which came to published and cause a media storm for the Kent Police department.
A recent survey by jobvite.com they showed that 86% of potential employers may search and look into your social profiles history. This is something that Kent Police didn't take into consideration where they employed Miss Brown saying: "We used Kent Police's vetting procedures, which do not normally involve scrutiny of social networks for this grade of post."
First impressions count
Whether you are an individual or a large brand we all understand the need to create a good first impression. But as Miss Paris Brown found out the hard way, is what goes on the web, stays on the web for all to see. The safest way is to assume that everything you write online is public and could potentially come back to haunt you when you least expect it.
Many articles have been written about presenting yourself or your brand in the right light. This could be the use of professional looking profile photo or catchy logos or headers, but this is just creating an impression at a basic level. Of course, it’s important to get this part of your branding right, but the fact is that impressions on social media channels go a lot deeper than a happy smiley face in your profile box or a visual masterpiece of a logo.
Get the little things right
People search and find you, they take a look at you and think, ‘you look OK’, so let’s go further. Do they see that you are active on your pages? Do you share content that is inspiring, useful or valuable? If you don’t wow them at this point, they leave, and never to come back. They could have found boring content or endless quotes. They may have found the same old ‘funny’ cat pictures as everyone else or endless spammy sales messages. Even worse: have they spotted some potentially offensive updates?
When someone lands on your social feeds, their opinion about you will be made at that very moment. If you fail to make a good impression at this point, then you may have lost them forever. After all, there are plenty of other people out there that are worth finding out about, connecting with and forming a relationship. As an individual you may not care, but years down the line it could come back to bite you when a future employer makes a decision about you based on your past social comments.
From a business or brand point of view, how much passing traffic can you afford to lose because of the way you look? Gaining trust and loyalty from our networks and connections is the goal of every business. You may not like the fact that you are being judged, but it's a reality that has to be accepted in today's world.
In the real world you rarely get a second chance to make a good impression and it’s highly likely that in the world of social media, you probably won’t either.